Can I Live with Uncertainty?
That question weighs heavily on my mind and heart right now. For the past three years, I have been living with uncertainty.
This feeling arises from being categorized as “high-risk” for developing breast cancer. It all started three years ago when I received my first suspicious mammogram results. Two years ago, I underwent my first biopsy, followed by a lumpectomy, which revealed a precancerous mass and further classified me into that high-risk group.
The uncertainty is overwhelming: Will another mass appear? Will the upcoming tests reveal any changes or growth in the mass over the past six months? I truly don’t know. Over the last three years, I have undergone five rounds of testing. It is very likely that I will have to face the same process again, which includes a mammogram, a diagnostic mammogram, an MRI, and possibly a biopsy. I keep reminding myself that going through these tests does not automatically mean I have breast cancer. The reality is that I have not been diagnosed with breast cancer; I merely have markers that require monitoring every six months.
Three years of uncertainty is a long time. I feel very fortunate because, during a significant part of my journey, I had the opportunity to work with Tish Litchfield on her book, A Miracle Within You: Paddling Through Cancer. Tish has become such a dear friend, and her writing has been incredibly helpful to me. Reading her wisdom about how she managed her healing process, made decisions regarding her treatment, and maintained a positive outlook has made a positive impact on my attitude.
Once again, I find myself facing the gauntlet of the testing cycle. Despite all my efforts to stay positive, I am struggling with a sense of frustration regarding this in-depth monitoring process. Over the past six months, I’ve successfully managed to leave behind my fears and anxieties about the latest mass testing by focusing on joyful things, such as the trip Tom and I took to Greece and Albania, the birth of our eighth grandchild, beautiful Gemma, and my achievement in publishing The Journey of the Visionary Writer. However, despite my awareness, a cloud of uncertainty has returned, enveloping me like fog and making it difficult to concentrate on the positive aspects of life.
Is Uncertainty Contageous?
Perhaps uncertainty is contagious right now, like a new virus. I’ve decided to stay neutral in politics since the death of my brother, Kurt; you could say I’m gray, neither blue nor red. Kurt inspired me to embrace this perspective.
From where I stand, uncertainty is like a virus spreading everywhere! The red side is celebrating the current administration’s new actions, but uncertainty is there because red is worried that a judge might block their actions and thwart what they see as beneficial changes. On the other hand, the blue side is uncertain how this county will survive because they view the changes being made as deeply harmful. I can see that when you mix blue with red, it creates a quagmire of uncertainty for both sides.
During our visit to Albania, Tom and I had the privilege of meeting local families at Berat Castle and in a 200-year-old home in Gjirokastër. I was surprised to learn that Albania was under communist rule from the 1940s until 1991. Enver Hoxha, who served as Prime Minister from 1941 to 1985, had also banned all religious practices in 1967 and seized the property of established Islamic, Orthodox, Catholic, and other churches in addition to the assets of its citizens.
We discovered that Albanians refer to their history as divided into three eras: before, during, and after communism. The uncertainty faced by these families when communism ended was profound. The government no longer repressed free speech or religious practices, and they were free to explore the path to God. Practically, the people had to learn how to earn a living and manage their bills without government support. Can you imagine the challenge when at least three generations had lived under communist rule to completely alter their culture? While the Albanians’ lives were often meager, communism at least provided a way to meet their basic needs.
Man with dog at Gjirokastër, Albania, January 2025
Under communism, people needed special passes to visit nearby districts, and until 1990 the government banned private ownership of automobiles. Urban mass transit consisted primarily of bus lines for ferrying workers between home and work. Breakdowns in Tirana’s bus lines sometimes forced employees to walk to work or pay for rides in the beds of passing trucks. It’s astonishing to imagine how excited the citizens of Albania must have felt when they could purchase a car. However, the uncertainties of how to provide for their families loomed. I am grateful that I have never experienced the struggles of the Albanians.
Managing My Uncertainty
Perhaps there is no escape from the uncertainty of politics in the United States, Albania or from my own struggles with the challenges of monitoring breast cancer. On some level, I acknowledge that I will always live with uncertainty. I understand that my thoughts about testing are guiding me in my efforts to transcend the seduction of uncertainty.
What works for me when I feel overwhelmed is listening to music through my AirPods. There’s something special about how the sound directly enters my mind and blocks out all outside noise and chatter, which helps shift my attitude. I understand the lyrics in a different way, almost as if the words become a private message meant just for me! Currently, the songs that help me move out of the funk caused by uncertainties are Priscilla Ahn’s “Dream,” Kacey Musgraves’ version of “Three Little Birds,” and “Surrendering” by Rachel Platten.
When I can’t escape from the “what if” worst scenarios from circling in my mind, I simply acknowledge those thoughts and gently remind myself that I am worrying about what “might be” and not what “is.” I pray to let those thoughts go.
I also vow to show up for all my appointments and testing even though the number of tests can be daunting. I do my best to let go of any expectations or fears about what may be discovered and avoid unnecessary worrying. I keep telling myself it is only necessary monitoring!
Can I Live with Uncertainty? Can you?
The truth is, we don’t have to! The challenge lies in not getting lost in a sea of uncertainties. I’ve come to understand that uncertainty stems from the fear of what might happen rather than from concern about what is happening right now. At this very moment, I feel wonderful and healthy! Who could ask for more? I realize that I can be completely CERTAIN that whatever challenges may be looming, worrying about them does my heart no good. Instead, I find that focusing on letting go and surrendering my uncertainties is the best thing for me.
“I deliberately breathe in life, and as I exhale, I release those anxious thoughts that do not serve me.”—Tish Litchfield, A Miracle Within You: Padding Through Cancer
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Thank you for your words. The uncertainty for ourselves or for a love one is very real and hard to let go sometimes. These words help us try to understand what others are experiencing. And we just have to face it one step at a time.
Thank you! I love you!