Ja-lene Clark

I am a wife, mom, and nana living in the beautiful state of Oklahoma. On my website, I offer my musings on spirituality, creativity, writing, family, and food.

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Why is Unconditional Love So Confusing?

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When was the term “unconditional love” coined? And why has this idea become so widespread that it’s now the expected, preferred, and seemingly “higher” way to love? I’ve been pondering this.

The mind does tricky things with words that begin with “un.”

Often, our brain doesn’t even consciously process the “un.” We typically see the core word first, understanding that the prefix signals an opposition or, more subtly, a lack. In English, “un” usually implies something is missing:

Unclean (lacks cleanliness)
Unhealthy (lacks health)
Untrue (lacks truth)
Unworthy (lacks worth)
So, Unconditionally (lacks conditions)

Ja-lene enjoys the company of her great-niece.

This linguistic nuance creates a fascinating paradox.

If “unconditionally” means “lacks conditions,” then to love unconditionally could literally be interpreted as a condition lacking love. The mind then struggles to reconcile this oppositional idea, striving to make sense of what feels like a contradiction. If our love truly has no conditions, then the concept of “unconditional” love becomes redundant, because the conditions never existed in the first place.

This leads to real-world confusion. Does “unconditional love” mean I should love everyone no matter what they do? If a family member struggles with mental illness or substance abuse, taking advantage of me, am I truly expected to love them “unconditionally,” invite them into my home, and ignore their harmful actions? Isn’t that behavior often labeled as codependent by professional therapists? Wait, I’m not supposed to be codependent, but I am supposed to be unconditionally loving, right? Where is that precise line between unconditional and codependent love?

This is profoundly confusing and creates all sorts of inner conflict, isn’t it? It makes me wonder if we even need “unconditional love” at all.

Here’s my point: Why do we feel the need to modify the word “love” to make it “bigger”? I believe love is expansive enough just as it is. The Beatles didn’t sing, “All You Need is Unconditional Love.” The 60s anthem wasn’t “What the World Needs Now is Unconditional Love.” And Jesus didn’t say unconditionally love one another… he said,

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another.” —John 13:34 KJV

Jesus was saying to love one another as God loves us. And, you might be interested to learn, the term “unconditional” is never actually used in the Bible.

After contemplating this deeply, I’ve decided to remove “unconditional love” from my vocabulary. Instead, I will simply just use and practice love—without any modification that might lessen that precious “L” word.

I love you!

Ja-lene

Are YOU Destined to Become a Visionary Writer?

Ja-lene Clark’s The Journey of the Visionary Writer: The Five Phases of Experiential Writing illuminates the path from idea to publication. Filled with brilliant insights and deeply personal stories, this book guides visionaries through the spiritual and emotional complexities of sharing their wisdom. Not a typical how-to, it’s a remarkably advanced, healing, and expansive journey.

Take the leap. Dare to share your wisdom. Purchase your copy today!

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Mirror Reflections

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In 1997, I attended an event in Tulsa where I heard don Miguel Ruiz speak for the first time. It was before he became a best-selling author. Council Oak could not schedule a book signing for him because no one knew who he was then.

Council Oak had just published Beyond Fear: A Toltec Guide to Freedom and Love, and Amber Allen had published The Four Agreements, but neither book had sold more than a couple thousand copies. Instead of a signing, Paulette Millichap, the publisher at Council Oak, arranged for her friends and the Council Oak employees to hear don Miguel’s teachings. We had a small gathering of less than 20 people at the home of Paulette’s friend, located close to Gilcrease Museum.

The Great Smokey Mirror

Don Miguel was a short man with a big smile, captivating eyes, and thick, gentle Spanish accent. The one thing he spoke about that caught my attention took me years to understand fully. It was the Great Smoky Mirror teaching, interpreted by don Miguel from the Toltecs. When he talked about the mirror, it made perfect sense, but it also confounded me at the same time.

In his book, The Four Agreements, he wrote: 

“This is what he discovered: Everything in existence is a manifestation of the one living being we call God. Everything is God. And he came to the conclusion that human perception is merely light perceiving light. He also saw that matter is a mirror—everything is a mirror that reflects light and creates images of that light—and the world of illusion, the Dream, is just like smoke which doesn’t allow us to see what we really are. The real us is pure love, pure light…’”

Don Miguel stated that every individual acts as a mirror for us and reflects something we need to see within ourselves. It took me six years to understand the essence of his teaching. I finally got it while I was editing and publishing The Toltec Prophecies of Don Miguel Ruiz, and I was able to apply it to my own life experiences.

Is it possible for me to believe that there are no victims in this world?

After meeting don Miguel, I realized that mirror metaphor is a universal concept that different teachers and authors reference. Some refer to it as the funhouse mirror, with the idea being that after reaching a plateau in our personal development, the funhouse mirror effects start to kick in and distort our perceptions. This effect can make things in your life appear exaggerated or distorted. For instance, with an actual funhouse mirror, people may seem closer or farther away than they actually are or appear to have two faces. However, that is just an illusion pointing us inward to a place we need to heal.

Although it seems complicated to accept, if we truly grasp this concept don Miguel was trying to express, we realize that when we take control of our lives and use our power wisely, we will no longer experience situations that make us feel helpless. By taking personal responsibility for all our life circumstances, we are no longer victims blaming others for our situations. And when we interact with others, we can remember that we each have our own individual, highly personal, great smokey mirrors to contend with that can cause confusion or division. Oddly, our reflections serve each other and can help both people grow beyond whatever is causing strife or indifference.

The Great Smokey Mirror is a challenging idea to apply to our everyday lives, especially when we witness suffering or the divisive nature of our world today. But if the world is a reflection of what is happening inside us, then we can also accept that we have the power to change our worldview, which, in turn, will forever change our perception of the world.

Pages 42-43 of the Toltec Prophecies of Don Miguel Ruiz by Mary Carol Nelson. Published when Ja-lene Clark served as Associate Publisher of Council Oak Books in 2003.

The Mirror of Self-Love

When I first left Council Oak and began to work freelance, a significant portion of my income came from conducting writer’s immersions—private, week-long writing sessions. Prior to each session, I signed a confidentiality agreement and cannot disclose the identities of the people I have worked with without permission.

I learned so much during my one-on-one sessions with writers. I realized that each of them faced unique challenges, and the focus of our work together was to help them overcome any resistance that was preventing them from effectively communicating their thoughts. Unfortunately, there is no guidebook that could have taught me how to handle this. It was a skill that I developed through experience and intuition.

During a session, I had the opportunity to work with a woman who was a singer and first-time writer. Despite being a well-traveled and fascinating person, she lacked confidence in her writing skills and struggled with self-doubt.

During our sessions, she made time to practice her music each day. She was passionate and confident while singing and performing, she was preparing for an upcoming performance, and was working on perfecting one song. I enjoyed the daily break from writing and seeing different facets of her. She was a new unconfident writer. As a singer, she loved being on stage! She was born to perform and did so amazingly. When she sang, she lit up and her confidence shined, and that was light years from the woman I had been sitting with who was hesitant about writing a sentence.

I had an idea. I asked her to start singing or speaking the text of her chapters so we could we videotape her discussing what she wanted to include in the book. This was a breakthrough! She loved being on stage and in front of the camera, so that was the place where she was most at home in her creative element. This practice of singing and being on camera helped her start to uncover her voice as a writer and build her confidence in this arena.

On the final day of our immersion, while I watched her practice the song she had practiced all week, I knew what would free her to write on her own once I left. I snuck out of the room and came back, hiding a mirror. When the pianist left, and she and I were alone, I asked her to sing the song one more time, a cappella.

I gave her the mirror and told her to sing the song while looking in the mirror and to replace the word “him” with me. The transformation was instant. I will never forget that moment. The song she had been practicing all week was from Jesus Christ Superstar. This was the song that Mary Magdalene sang about being with Jesus. It only took the first several words for her to “get it.” She sang to her own reflection the lyrics:

“I don’t know how to love ME.”

It’s true that one of the hardest things to do is self-love. But self-love brings confidence and confidence helps us believe in our own abilities and share what we have to offer with others. We live with that person who is looking back at us in the mirror every single moment. I know everything about me, and so I can’t hide from my sorrows, secrets, vulnerabilities, shame, woes, bitterness, and regrets. When we reconcile with ourselves and shine “love me” out into the universe, then our lives begin to transform. It must transform. Why? Because the things that were once reflecting back to us that were buried inside have vanished. No more smoke in the mirror, no more funhouse distortions, and new experiences abound.

Have you ever looked into your own eyes and felt love for you?

Stop for just a moment. Grab a mirror, then come back to this post and press the play button on Frank Sinatra’s song. Replace the word “you” with “me” or “I” as you hear the song. This is a simple, profound experience that will just take a moment to transform your world.

Around the world I’ve searched for ME
I traveled on when hope was gone to keep a rendezvous
I knew somewhere, sometime, somehow
I’d look at ME and I would see the smile I’m smiling now

It might have been in County Down
Or in New York, in gay Paree, or even London town
No more will I go all around the world
For I have found my world in ME

“..for God gave us a spirit NOT of fear but of power and love and self-control.”

—2 Timothy 1:7

Are YOU Destined to Become a Visionary Writer?

Ja-lene Clark’s The Journey of the Visionary Writer: The Five Phases of Experiential Writing illuminates the path from idea to publication. Filled with brilliant insights and deeply personal stories, this book guides visionaries through the spiritual and emotional complexities of sharing their wisdom. Not a typical how-to, it’s a remarkably advanced, healing, and expansive journey.

Take the leap. Dare to share your wisdom. Purchase your copy today!

Order at Amazon

Unforgettable

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Remembering Garry Clark

My brother-in-law Garry’s journey on earth is complete. Last Saturday, we gathered to celebrate his life. My heart is full and travels between beautiful memories of family times, disbelief that Lewy Body Dementia could take him so quickly, and the comfort of knowing he is home with God.

But mostly, I am so grateful for what he inspired our family to do.

For almost 30 years, our time with Garry and his sweet wife Melissa was spent at holiday family gatherings. Honestly, it was easy to take our family time for granted, as though we would always be together. That changed completely when the news came that Garry had Lewy Body Dementia. We knew the window to make memories and spend precious time together was short. Melissa and I jumped into action, planning as many family trips and get-togethers as possible while Garry could still enjoy himself! We even went to Alaska in June of 2019. Garry was healthy and aware, and we all enjoyed seeing some of God’s most majestic creations.

We are so fortunate that we had a couple of years to make the most of every moment we had left with Garry.

Not everyone gets that opportunity. The lyrics of the song Scars in Heaven say it beautifully:

   If I had only known the last time would be the last time
   I would have put off all the things I had to do
   I would have stayed a little longer, held on a little tighter
   Now what I’d give for one more day with you

Since Garry’s diagnosis and the death of my brother Kurt, I have become more aware that every moment with our loved ones is precious. Make the most of every moment. You never know when you will create the last unforgettable memory.

Download Garry’s Celebration of Life booklet or make memorial contributions to the Glenn Biggs Institute of Alzheimer’s & Neurodegenerative Diseases Research Fund on behalf of Garry Clark.

Garry's Tribute Video

Tribute video and Celebration of Life booklet created with love by Ja-lene Clark

I thank my God every time I remember you. —Philippians 1:3, NIV

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Are YOU Destined to Become a Visionary Writer?

Ja-lene Clark’s The Journey of the Visionary Writer: The Five Phases of Experiential Writing illuminates the path from idea to publication. Filled with brilliant insights and deeply personal stories, this book guides visionaries through the spiritual and emotional complexities of sharing their wisdom. Not a typical how-to, it’s a remarkably advanced, healing, and expansive journey.

Take the leap. Dare to share your wisdom. Purchase your copy today!

Take the leap! Dare to open your heart and share your wisdom! Start by purchasing a copy of The Journey of the Visionary Writer.

A Tribute to My Brother: Shine On

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I know that many people have challenges keeping their relationships with their siblings healthy. I have been so blessed! My big brother Kurt and I shared many wonderful things, but the thing I cherish the most is our love of music.

The last text I got from Kurt was on September 16, 2020. He wanted me to listen to the song Shine On by Robert Jon and the Wreck. I was too busy that day to listen, and actually, I forgot all about his text. Three short days later, the unthinkable happened; after a lovely day fishing and visiting with family and our Daddy, Kurt went home and then collapsed from a heart attack. Tragically, we took him off life support on September 23, 2020.

The morning Kurt passed, I opened my text messages and saw his song recommendation. I listened to the song he recommended for the very first time with his daughter Carmen. She and I knew it was a message from him, and I knew he wanted me to do his celebration of life video and to use Shine On. For days, I listened to the song, grieving and gathering photos and videos of my beautiful, big-hearted brother. I learned that there were very few photos where Kurt was not smiling, and I loved that! I was so grateful Kurt led me to the song Shine On. It is a perfect theme song for his life.

Somehow, the images all landed in the video I made for his Celebration of Life. I hope the video will remind all those who knew Kurt that he is still shining on in our hearts.

Are YOU Destined to Become a Visionary Writer?

Ja-lene Clark’s The Journey of the Visionary Writer: The Five Phases of Experiential Writing illuminates the path from idea to publication. Filled with brilliant insights and deeply personal stories, this book guides visionaries through the spiritual and emotional complexities of sharing their wisdom. Not a typical how-to, it’s a remarkably advanced, healing, and expansive journey.

Take the leap. Dare to share your wisdom. Purchase your copy today!

Order at Amazon

Saint Mary Rebecca

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My Mom’s 70th birthday was October 11, 2013. To celebrate this special occasion, my sister and I tried to figure out how to honor her. When we thought about what most people instantly associate with her, we knew the answer was chocolate chip cookies.

I thought declaring her the patron saint of chocolate chip cookies would be perfect! Every saint has a prayer, legend, and candle, so I wrote and designed them! The legend is completely true except for a tiny bit of embellishment about the intervention of the Holy Mother. I bought blank holy candles and had wonderful stickers printed with her picture and the prayer, which we placed on the candles that we gave to all those who came to her party.

Mom was so honored and surprised. Our family has been so blessed by her exquisite examples of selfless love!

The Legend of Saint Mary Rebecca

On October 12, 1943, Mary Rebecca Lyon, the fifth child of Theodore and Elizabeth Lyon, made her way into this world. The angels rejoiced for they knew Mary Rebecca would grow to fulfill her sweet purpose.

As a child, Mary Rebecca was bright, curious, and energetic, with a love for adventures, horses, and art. In 1958, she married Kenneth Wayne Elliott, and they brought four children into the world.

Her devotion to faith and belief in God was strong—as was her sensitivity to others’ misery. This sensitivity was a difficult burden for Mary Rebecca, who sought relief. Each day, on the way to work in her car, she faithfully prayed a rosary for someone in need. At night, she lit holy candles and said prayers dedicated to those who were suffering. God listened and answered many of these prayers.

Her sweet purpose was not activated until Mary Rebecca became a grandmother. It was then, in the early 1980s, that Mary Rebecca answered the call of God through the deceivingly simple act of baking chocolate chip cookies. During the holy season each year, she was called to share sweetness with those she loved and souls in need of goodness in their lives. Each year, as the cookie list grew longer and longer, Mary Rebecca became more overwhelmed by the task of baking thousands of cookies. Her sweet purpose had become ever more demanding.

One year, she lost faith, was weary, and decided she could no longer bake cookies. When those lucky enough to be on the annual list heard this sad news, they grieved and then prayed for intercession, asking for just one more cookie.

No one knows what happened, but the legend says that the Divine Mother interceded in Mary Rebecca’s dreams and told her that God was counting on her. It was God’s will that she continue to share sweetness, love, and goodness with others in need through the disguise of her delicious chocolate chip cookies. Thankfully, Mary Rebecca heeded the direction God gave her and vowed to continue her sweet purpose until the time when she passed her holy apron on to her grandchildren.

In celebration of her 70th birthday, the angels rejoiced when her family officially recognized Mary Rebecca as the Patron Saint of Chocolate Chip Cookies.

Are YOU Destined to Become a Visionary Writer?

Ja-lene Clark’s The Journey of the Visionary Writer: The Five Phases of Experiential Writing illuminates the path from idea to publication. Filled with brilliant insights and deeply personal stories, this book guides visionaries through the spiritual and emotional complexities of sharing their wisdom. Not a typical how-to, it’s a remarkably advanced, healing, and expansive journey.

Take the leap. Dare to share your wisdom. Purchase your copy today!

Order at Amazon

Mother’s Song

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Mother’s Song

Mother wraps
her arms around
her child
singing softly
a lullaby
of love and laughter
and wishes to come
of the miracle she holds in her
gentle arms.
When the child
has grown
and gone
sometimes
at night
she’ll still hear
Mother’s Song.
And dare
to dream
the night away
in lullaby land
in Mother’s
sweet embrace.

Written by Ja-lene Clark for her Mom, 1996

Are YOU Destined to Become a Visionary Writer?

Ja-lene Clark’s The Journey of the Visionary Writer: The Five Phases of Experiential Writing illuminates the path from idea to publication. Filled with brilliant insights and deeply personal stories, this book guides visionaries through the spiritual and emotional complexities of sharing their wisdom. Not a typical how-to, it’s a remarkably advanced, healing, and expansive journey.

Take the leap. Dare to share your wisdom. Purchase your copy today!

Order at Amazon